Finding my first love

Once I had found the park cruising ground my life changed completely I now had a place where I could go and satisfy my lust almost every night for about 6 weeks I was up the park looking for cock to suck and get mine sucked the buzz was amazing there was not a lot of guys around my age going up there most were older guys sort of 30 years and older but I did not care I just needed cock and that was the place to find it. I soon realised also that older guys were prepared to pay money to a younger guy for the pleasure of sucking his cock some weeks I could earn up to £100 extra pocket money I loved it.

Then one night I was up the park I had met this guy who wanted to go into the trees he was about 25 ish good looking guy he was pretty drunk and horny his cock was massive probably the fantasy 9 inches uncut and thick too I had started giving him a wank when all of a sudden a torch light was shone on us. I got the fright of my life it was two policemen I just took off sprinting through the trees with this big copper following behind me shouting for me to stop thankfully I was fit and easily left him behind but I kept running for a good 5 minutes after he gave up.

I came out the trees just next to the old pavilion in the park and hid under the pavilion for about an hour petrified to come out just incase the police where still looking for me as soon as I felt it was safe to do so I got out from under the pavilion and made my way out of the park and stopped a taxi to get me home it would be a long time before I ever went up the park again I was sure I would be on the coppers most wanted list.

Once again I vowed that was me finished with gay stuff I thought I had convinced myself that I had done everything I had wanted to do with guys and now I would just become a straight guy find a girl eventually get married have a boy and a girl and live happily ever after. The urge for cock did not go away but I found another girlfriend and tried to make a go of it but sex was a problem I could get hard no problem and penetrate her but after 5 minutes or so my hardon would flop my heart was just not in it we had been going out for about 7 months when we decided to break up she needed a man to satisfy her lust and so did I.

Not long after we broke up I was in a pub in town with some of my workmates one of the barmen just caught my attention he was not much older than me and something in my head just told me he was into cock like I was. it was the drink that gave me the courage I saw him going into the gents and followed him in he was standing at the urinal I went in stood beside him and just looked at his cock he looked at mine and we both smiled at each other. it was if we had rehearsed it 10 seconds later we were in a cubicle and he was banging his cock down my throat it was only a couple of minutes as he was scared we would get caught. A short while later he slipped me his phone number and I met him the following day. And for the first time ever I had met a guy who not only knew to please a guy but was not rushed or worried about gay sex I felt totally relaxed with him. He lived with his mother and she knew he was gay as did most of his friends but not the people he worked with.

For the first time ever I had a boyfriend Paddy was not really a boyfriend it was more just lustful stolen moments.  With Gerry it was not just sex it was the whole package the kissing the cuddling running our fingers through each others hair and we made love it was the real deal if I had to write a description of everything I wanted in a guy then it would be Gerry I would describe. We saw each other 3 times a week for four months he loved me and I loved him but I was very insecure in my sexuality I knew that’s what I was and wanted but I was living a double life when I was with Gerry I was a happy guy in love and when I was with my mates and family I was an angry deep closet case playing the hard macho straight boy. Both my lives met in one crazy hour and destroyed the thing I wanted most in my life.

We had been out for a few drinks in Gerry’s local pub to cut a long story short one of Gerry’s friends just did not like me and I did not like him. While in the pub this friend made a comment that I took as directed at me and the area I lived in a common council housing estate while Gerry and his friends came from a more affluent side of town and the result was Council estate boys head connected with great impact on posh boys nose snapping it and pushed the bone through the skin with a dramatic spray of blood as he collapsed in a heap on the floor of the pub as I went to finish him off with a boot to the ribs Gerry grabbed me in a bid to stop me attacking his mate further an instinctive right hook caught him on the jaw sending him sprawling to the floor beside his posh friend. The next thing the bar staff had me on the floor waiting for the Police to come the next time I heard Gerry’s voice was in court about 6 months later as he gave evidence against me in a trial that resulted in me being sent to prison for 30days

And I was back to square one all over again

Finding a cruising ground

So I was back to Square One playing the macho straight guy who was unable to sleep without pulling the head off it while thinking of guys. I got a new driver on the van an older guy who was a total prick from the very first hour I hated him he just constantly moaned in his opinion he was the driver he drove and I was the delivery boy I carried everything. On my 8^th day working with him as he stood at the back of the van moaning about how slow and clumsy I was I just lost it and he got fucked over the head with a boxed electric toaster and told to shove his job up his arse.

Over the next 6 or 7 months I had went through about 4 girlfriends God only knows how many guys I had lusted over and two more crap jobs and had not even caught sight of another guys cock. Then one day I read an article in the newspaper about a guy who had been caught in a public toilet trying to seduce a plain clothed policeman in to having gay sex. The article went on to explain that the toilets where beside a local park that had become known as a gay cruising ground for men looking for sex. To most people this was an article about a pervert wanting to have sex with other men to me it was like finding the map to buried treasure. I had never heard of a gay cruising ground before and although I had read stuff on toilet walls and had been turned on by a lot of what I had read I had not actually worked out that gay sex often took place in those cubicles.

The park mentioned in the article was about 4 miles from my home. I had been to this park hundreds of times over the years and had never thought that it was used for anything other than walking the dog , jogging , or enjoying a relaxing time in the sun. I had to find out if it was true. That very same night I took a stroll up to the park alone. It must have been about 7.30pm when I got to the park it was November and the dark nights pretty cold but dry. Of course I had been all around this park many times but always during daylight hours but at night it was a very different place it was pretty creepy the odd jogger came running past some people walking dogs etc but I could see nothing that indicated gay guys seeking each other out to have sex. I did not know what I was looking for maybe I thought they would have signs pointing out gay area or something.

When he spoke to me I nearly jumped out my skin he was standing just off the path next to a big old tree. ”You got a light” he asked. I almost screamed it was just so unexpected. I pulled myself together found my lighter and walked towards him. He took my lighter lit a cigarette offered me one of his that I refused then as he handed my lighter back he asked if I was looking for some fun. Every nerve in my body was going I knew what he meant but I still asked “What kind of fun”  in  a trembling voice

“wank , blow job , fuck if you want” I just started running as fast as I could I must have been at least 2 miles from the park before I slowed down to a walking pace. My heart racing half terrified half excited my brain was churning out all sorts.  I could have been murdered, but he might just have wanted sex, he was about 25 – 30 years old a lot older than me, So what he had a cock didn't he I thought to myself, Should I just go back and see what happens, No just go home and don’t be so stupid another part of my brain screamed at me. I decided that I would just go home and try again another night.

The rest of that night until I completed my get to sleep wank and all of the following day all I could think about was the possibilities that the park could hold for me. Half frightening myself the other half exciting my self to death. That night I once again headed up to the park this time I had taken a knife with me I had decided it would  best to do so just incase anyone tried to murder me I could fight back it sounded good to me at the time. Once again I walked around the park up paths down paths around the duck pond I must have been in the park for about an hour when I saw a guy who interested me he was on a push bike and had passed me a few times. He looked a couple of years older than me maybe about 19 – 20 years old I got the feeling that he was watching me as much as I was him after the 3^rd or 4^th pass he stopped and chained his bike to a fence then walked towards me as he got to me he smiled at me and gave a nod of his head as if to say follow me. 

My heart was racing again just like the night before half of my brain telling me to follow him the other half saying run like hell but when my cock got involved the run part of my brain got a beating and I followed him across the path on to the grass towards the trees.

It was fast it was furious we did not even speak he was rubbing me I was rubbing him the next thing he is down on one knee and sucking my cock honestly I nearly blew instantly at the time it was brilliant but looking back now him sucking me was just as amateurish as the blowjob I gave to him probably less than 10 minutes after we got into he trees we were both going our separate ways neither of us had even came. 

Another 10 minutes later I was annoyed with myself that I had not made it last longer I wanted more than I had got I wanted to taste his cum I was not putting myself through all of this for only half a blow job I decided I was going back to try and find him I wanted his cock back in my mouth.

Unfortunately the guy on the bike was either satisfied or so disappointed that he had went home because I never found him.

I had given up my search and was heading out of the park when I heard a whistle from the tree line at the other side of the park from where I had been with bike guy. I looked in the direction of the whistle and saw another guy beckoning me towards him with his hand I just thought why not. I went towards him he was an older guy probably mid 30’s maybe even 40 he had his hard dick out and stroking it I pulled mine out and did the same he came towards me took hold of my cock and walked me back to the trees pulling me by the cock like a dog on a lead. Once in the bushes he went straight down to my cock with his mouth and gave me a lesson in cock sucking fuck he was good so good that I shot my lot in his mouth in about a 2 minutes. I was totally satisfied and was ready to go home but it was obvious he was not. He had by far the biggest cock I had ever saw it was long thick and very vein’y he nearly chocked me to death with it. Every few seconds I gagged and withdrew only for him to force me back on to it when I could not take anymore he started wanking himself telling me to kiss his balls then I felt the warmth running down my face I got up and was putting my cock away at the same time wiping his spunk from my face with my fingers and wiping it on a tree trunk. He gave me some tissue thanked me and handed me a £20 note then swiftly walked away leaving me cleaning his cum from my face hair and even my ear totally confused as to why he had given me money.

The danger of unwanted advances

Monday is the busiest day of the week for deliveries we had a lot on so there was ot a lot of carry on between us but even then he still groped my bum twice and felt my balls once he also said he had been thinking of me over the weekend and made a wanking gesture with his hand. Of course I don’t know if that was true on his behalf but I had almost wore my dick away thinking about him.

He pulled over at one point on a quite road to take a piss he came around to my side of the van and began pissing he was facing forward and I could see his cock very clearly in the door mirror just the sight of his pissing cock had me rock solid in an instant. After he got back in the van and for at least 10 minutes after I still had a full boner but he never noticed or if he did he never mentioned it. I kept looking at him trying to pluck up the courage to steel a feel at his cock and balls as he drove. When e stopped talking about wanking or sex I would try to think of something to say to draw the conversation back to that subject.

We finished the morning deliveries and headed back to the store to get reloaded and have our lunch break. We reversed into the loading bay to allow it to be loaded while we were at lunch. As soon as we were getting out of the van the warehouse manager came over and spoke to my driver and asked him to go with him to the office. He told me to go and get my lunch and he would catch me up .As I walked towards the canteen the warehouse supervisor called me over to him . He began asking me questions. He asked how I was getting on with my new job I told him I was enjoying it. He asked me if I was getting on with my driver ok. And I replied that I was. He then asked something that nearly floored me he asked if the driver had made any unwelcome advances towards me. The first thought that came into my head was that they must have a camera on the van. My face flushed as I answered a very unconvincing NO he then told me to go and get my lunch.

Then about 20 minutes later the supervisor came to the canteen and took me to the managers office. Two of the store managers were there and my supervisor . One of the managers started asking me questions. Had the driver made any sexual suggestions to me? Had he tried to touch me inappropriately or had he exposed his private parts to me. Of course I said that he had never done any of the things they were asking. I was then told that the guy who had been the van boy before me had made some serious allegations against the driver and that he had been suspended so I would be going out on the afternoon delivery with my supervisor as the driver.

While we were out on the deliveries my supervisor told me that the guy who had done the job before me had quit without warning on the Wednesday but ad came to the store with his father on the Monday morning to explain that he had quit because the driver had been touching him up and had been trying to talk him into having sex with him he said the final straw came when the driver exposed his erect cock to the guy while he was driving the next time the van stopped the guy got out the van and went home saying he had quit and would not be back. The driver reported to management that the guy had quit but never said why obviously . The supervisor told me that the managers would be talking to two previous van boys who had quit while working with him I felt sick to the pit of my stomach and not because of what they where saying he had done. But because I now knew that he was like me and had I just showed a little willing we could have probably had sex together. The driver later got sacked and I never saw him again. I also realised that having thoughts and desires for other guys was a dangerous game that could get you into a lot of trouble.

Struggling with my desires

After my wandering hands incident while sleeping in my mates bed and getting caught I had decided that it would never happen again. I was seriously embarrassed by what I had done but more than that I was very worried that the guy well to be honest I assaulted would start telling people what I had done to him.

I decided almost immediately that I was going to get a girlfriend I already knew the girl and the following day we were an item. I played up to the macho image if anything I got more aggressive and annoying to others around me. I really did not want to be gay I hated myself for the thoughts I was having about other guys. I tried thinking of girls when I was wanking but it just did not work for me yea I got hard ok but it was almost impossible to finish off a wank until I thought about a guy.

I decided that I would stop wanking if I was not wanking then I would not think of guys that abstinence did not even last a whole day. I could not get to sleep honest I tried I lay there for a couple of hours trying to resist but my body would not give in until I had relived myself an the only was to do that was cum and to cum I had to think about another guy it was torture.

The girl I was seeing was not sexually active she would not give in to my advances and although I so wanted to have sex with her at the same time I was glad she would not do it because I was scared that when it came to it I might not be able to perform my thought was tht if I cant cum when I wank to her I might not be able to get it up if she was willing to let me. My hormones were at an all time high the more I tried not to wank or think about guys the more I was doing it.

I got my first job working in a local supermarket filling shelves and working in the store room. I fell out with my girlfriend and replaced her with another who worked with me at the store she was a little bit more sexually active though she stopped short of sexual intercourse she was willing to allow me to touch feel and even have oral sex with her and although I took advantage of her at every opportunity when it came to getting to sleep I just had to imagine I was doing those things with another guy.

I had been working at the store for about 3 months when another job came up as a delivery boy on the van it paid slightly more money but it also got you out of the store I applied and got the job. My driver was a guy that I had known since I started in the superstore. He was the youngest driver they had he was 23 years old a  decent guy always having a laugh and a joke as we loaded his van with his deliveries it was him who told me to apply for the job after his van boy quit without warning.

I had never thought about this guy in a sexual nature although he was far from old he was a lot older than me he often got told that he looked a lot younger than he was but at that time I did not notice that or think about things like that it was his age that made him a lot older and that’s what mattered. Out on the deliveries on that very first day the conversation turned to wanking he asked me how often I wank, how big was my cock, was I cut or uncut, did I prefer boxers or briefs, had I ever ate my own spunk to be honest I had never heard anyone take such an interest in another guys bedtime habits or what was under there boxers I almost got the feeling that he was trying to catch me out that he was testing me to see how I would react I had a feeling that some how he knew what I thought about even possibly knew what I had done to my friend when I stayed over. He told me that it was tradition for a new van boy to give his driver a blow job on his first shift I told him to fuck off. A couple of times as I got in or out of the van he groped my bum saying I had a nice arse. To be honest I was not in any way worried he was just talking like I often did with my mates he was being a bit heavier and more descriptive that we did and it was not the first time a guy had felt my bum or even my balls while carrying on it was not gay or anything it was just guys being guys. He was completely normal looking he was full of fun and laughter to be honest very much like myself only older and far more confident he was saying things to me that I would not have the balls to say to anyone but was often thinking.

I had started on the van on the Thursday and worked the Friday and half day Saturday on the Saturday morning we were in the back of the van sorting out our next delivery of a garden table and set of chairs as I was untying the table from the holding bars he came up behind me put his arms round me and pretended he was riding my arse I was just laughing at him telling him to fuck off then his hand slipped down to my balls and he groped me I could honestly feel his cock pushing against my bum I was sure he was hard and that got me going I sprang a semi and heading fast to a full grown bonner I panicked and pulled myself free from him more worried that he might have realised I was getting a stiffy than anything else. The problem was that fucking stiffy would not go away because all I could think about was could he be serious did he have a hardon or was I just imagining it was it just my warped mind creating another one of my fantasies. I so wanted it to be real but at the same time I still had this nagging feeling that he was just testing me. He was far to normal he had a girlfriend and a lot of the girls in the store fancied and flirted with him he could get plenty of girls any time he wanted.

That weekend he became the new object of my desire and fantasies between the Saturday and the Monday I must have had about 10 wanks just thinking about his hard cock pushing against my bum and his hand rubbing my balls. Monday took forever to come I could not wait to see him again I hoped and prayed he would do it again. This time I had promised myself I was not going to push him away I would allow myself to get hard and see what he said. Was it possible could he be my new Paddy. That song I don’t like Monday’s certainly never applied to me I could not wait for Monday to come.

Wandering hands and Sleeping friends

Just after I turned 16 years old I got a heavy scare. I had fell out with Paddy a few weeks before after he was caught stealing money from my house. My mother walked in on him stealing money from her purse when he was over in our house one afternoon. As a result my sex life stopped for the previous 5-6 months me and Paddy were at it at least 3 times a week then all of a sudden I was back to squire one with urges for other guys cocks about ten times stronger than it had ever been before.

One of my friends who I had known from my early school days was one of the guys that I fancied. Probably about 2 years before we had wanked together a couple of times but never any touching. We had been out drinking with mates and that night he asked if I wanted to stay over at his house I said I would. To be honest as soon as he suggested staying over I got a semi and was having sexual thoughts about him we often joked around making gay suggestions to each other.

Later that night back at his house we were in his room and like it does between guys the conversation turned to sex. The conversation was mainly about girls we know or pop /tv stars. When it came to bed time I shared his bed it was a double and the choice was the floor or his bed of course I opted to share his bed. As we lay in bed I tried to steer the conversation towards us having a wank but it went over his head either that or he was just ignoring the suggestion. Although we were not drunk we had been drinking and to be honest I was as horny as hell.

My friend seamed to go to sleep almost instantly as if he had turned on a sleep button seriously he was talking away to me then almost instantly he was snoring. I lay beside him for what seamed like ages. The heat from his body close to min was turning me on big time. I could tell from the noises he was making that he was sound asleep  he was wearing a pair of nylon football shorts to ed I was sleeping in only my boxer shorts I streached out my leg to touch his just my leg touching his had me solid. I got a little bolder and put my leg over his he was lying on his side facing away from me. My cock area was now pressing against his ass area it just felt so comfortable warm and sexy. I was so close to him I could smell his hair my chest against his back just felt amazing. Next I moved my arm over him my hand rested on his belly my fingers lightly rubbing his belly there was no response from him no movement. By now my cock was dripping pre cum I was seriously turned on slowly my hand moved lower towards his package.

 Then I could feel the soft nylon of his shorts a second later I found what I was looking for I gently squeezed at his limp dick teasing it in to arousel as gently as I could it did not take long to get him hard. I realised that I was grinding my cock against his ass through our shorts. He moved ever so slightly almost as if he was lining his crack up with my cock and at the same time making my access to his cock area easier. I lay rubbing and feeling him through his shorts for a few minutes he was by now brick hard I wanted I needed more. I slid my hand down the waistband of his shorts. Like me he was oozing pre cum I wrapped my hand around his cock and began wanking him with short slow strokes.

I wanted him in my mouth so bad I could not control myself. I removed my hand from his shorts then got my head under the blankets the heat was intense his musky smell was mind blowing I tugged at his shorts pulling them down just far enough to free his dripping hard 6 inches of uncut meat my tongue licked up his pre cum the softness of his foreskin on my lips was mind blowing then I took the first inch or so of his hard dick inside my mouth my tongue exploring under his foreskin then taking more of his inches in his mouth I sucked on him as I wanked myself. I had been sucking him for a few minutes when he suddenly stirred I froze hoping that he had just moved and had not wakened  then suddenly he sat up and pushed me away calling me a fucking nuance he pulled one of the blankets and wrapped it around himself preventing me from getting any more contact with him then went back to sleep. I must have fell asleep as the next thing I remember he was wakening me up it was about 9am on a Sunday morning.

What the fuck were you up to last night were the first words I heard. I tried to pretend that I did not know what he was talking about. You were sucking my cock  you must remember doing that. Piss off I replied no way. You fucking beasted me when I was sleeping you pervert. I was panicking I was scared his family would hear what he was saying I had sobered up enough to realise that I could be in trouble. He got out of the bed and began dressing then went to the bathroom as soon as he was out the room I began dressing .He came back into the room a minute or so later. I can’t fucking believe what you done to me it’s fucking sick. I tried to play it down saying I did not know what he was talking about but I am sure the embarrassed guilty look on my face told him all he needed to know. I said he must have been dreaming. No I wasn’t dreaming and neither were you he replied. Oh fuck off I replied . No you fuck off pervert I could get you done for rape. I began to panic I pulled on my trainers and left his house feeling sick to the bottom of my stomach.

I was worried sick that he would tell our other mates what I had done but thankfully he never did. But every opportunity he got he made a snide remark about me often quite venomous attacks so much so some of my mates started asking why I was letting him talk to me that way they knew I could kick the shit out of him in a fight if I wanted to. But the truth was that he could have hurted me a lot more than I could ever have hurt him and just by using his mouth. I swore after that day I would never ever again touch another guy weather he was willing or not. But that is an impossible promise to keep as I was to find out.

Getting down and dirty in the boat shed

When I was 15 I got sent to a Social Worker because of my Glue sniffing and skipping school as part of the supervision order I had to attend a special school for disruptive children. I can honestly say it was a fantastic place it was nothing like normal school we did not get lessons as such the aim of the place was to keep us from wandering the streets and getting into trouble when we should have been at school. Every day you done something fun they would take us away for the day hill walking , or the zoo ,we done  Adventure activities one of them was Rowing it turned out I was pretty good at rowing so I was signed up to a Rowing Club that I attended 3 afternoons a week . I honestly loved it, it also had another bonus I made a new mate his name was Paddy .

Paddy was like me an unruly kid who had a habit of stealing cars and was also referred to the Social Work department by the Children’s Panel we became firm day time friends we done everything together . I had known Paddy about 3 weeks when one day when we were at rowing practice the rain was battering down so the guys in the rowing club got set a task to tidy up the boat sheds. There were 6 of us at training that day 4 of the lads got sent to sort out the big boat shed and me and Paddy got sent to a smaller shed that stored stuff like life belts spare oars etc. To be honest it was a junk shed almost everything in it should have been tossed in a skip and taken to the dump me and Paddy went to the back of the shed for a smoke. I found an old pair of shorts that one of the rowers must have left a while before the club house was used by lots of different rowing clubs and groups and there was lots of clothing left probably over years. I picked up the pair of shorts and threw them at Paddy saying they were full of spunk and he would et meggie ( some kind of disease ) Paddy put the shorts to his nose pretending he liked the smell fooling around he then grabbed me and tried to rub them in my nose I tried to fight him off by grabbing his balls the two of us ended up on the floor rolling about with each other as a result I got a boner Paddy grabbed at my nuts and found my bonner but when he found I was hard he did not let go he held me for what felt like ages the next thing his hand was down my waistband inside my school trousers and briefs and he had a hold of my cock I just froze for a minute or so and let him feel me up then I reached out and found that he was hard too. Minutes later we both had our trousers and underwear at our knees and our cocks and balls rubbing off each others another couple of minutes later we were in the 69 position sucking each others cocks neither of us were very experienced but we had a go at each other the whole thing probably only lasted about 10 minutes but to me at least it was like having all my dreams come true at once. We heard a noise and pulled our trousers up as fast as possible one of the two rowing trainers had came to see how we were getting on. I doubt he realised what we had been doing but he quickly realised that we were not doing what we had been sent to do so he took us out the shed and put us in with the other four who were cleaning the boats.

I was pretty embarrassed about what we had done but at the same time very excited. From that day on for the next 6 months or so every time we got a chance we had sex not full sex just wanking sucking etc but I was very happy we got sent to that shed that day it certainly took a lot of stress away and helped control my lust for my friends to a good extent .

A cock sucker ,A bender , A bum boy

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